Motionless
by ali.9319
Summary: How Martha feels inside, she is isolated and alone. What no one sees, what she has to hid. She reaches out for help but will she be ignored?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Spring Awakening

I buried my head beneath the covers and clasped my stuffed doll to my chest. My heart was racing as I heard his foot steps pounding on the wooden stair case.

"Not tonight. Please God, not tonight." I whispered to myself as the steps grew closer and closer. "I'll be good, I'll do anything, you can take anything away from me, and I'll give it up, just please God, not tonight…" But the foot steps grew nearer and the door creaked open

"Martha, darling" whispered my father.

I pretended to be asleep, lying there motionless, forcing my eyelids shut. But it was no use. I could feel his heavy breath on my face as he began to crawl under the covers next to me.

"Why?" I thought. "What did I do to deserve this?" I do everything the same as Thea and Anna, if not better, and their Papas don't lay a hand on them. It must be like Anna said: if you don't punish a child you don't love it. But Wendla's papa loves her and he would never dare to touch her.

"No…Papa!" I cried, wishing I hadn't just spoken as he struck me across the face. I let out a cry, trying my best to hold it in.

Once again I forced my eyelids shut, clutched my doll to my chest and lay their motionless until I heard the door close behind him. Once I was sure he was gone I began to weep. I was alone once again, with no one to turn to. I lay there motionless until I saw the sun rise through the window. I'd been too scared to fall asleep once again. I dressed for school and left my dreaded room, to be greeted by the smell of my mama's cooking. I quietly slipped off to school, again going unnoticed.

AN: So I was originally going to write this as a one shot, but I have another chapter to post since this one was so short.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Sorry this took so long, I was away at camp for a week. This chapter didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it to but oh well. I guess it kind of takes place before the first chapter.

I trailed along to school, watching my feet fall one in front of the other as they always did. I didn't really know how this happened; how my body managed to hold me up through everything. I felt broken inside, but I managed to stay together and keep moving all the way to the schoolhouse, through the entire day and almost the whole way home. Until I let those words fall carelessly from my lips, not aware of what I was saying until it was too late:

"For God's sake, Wendla, no! Papa beats me enough as it is!"

I cupped my hand over my mouth, wishing those words hadn't been spoken. They all knew now. What would they say? I couldn't believe I had said it. But maybe they'd help me, not make me go back there…

"Really?" asked Wendla with disbelief, knowing her Papa would never hurt her.

"No, no, i-it's nothing" I stammered, wishing I'd never let it slip.

"Martha?" asked Thea, with apparent concern.

"Martha, we're you friends..." reassured Anna

But they didn't understand. They wouldn't. But I knew I needed help, and they were my only chance: "Well some nights...Papa yanks out his belt-" I started

"But where is your Mama?" stammered Thea, cutting me of with worry.

"_We have rules in this house. Your father will not be disobeyed_"

I echoed what my mother says every time the belt comes off. I could see the worry and shock plastered on their faces, but I continued. I needed to tell someone and they were the only ones.

"The other night, I ran for the door. _Out the door? All right, I like that. That's where you'll spend the night-out on the street_!"

"No!" shrieked Thea as if she were protesting it to herself.

"It was cold" I stated, remembering wandering the town, looking for an abandoned shelter.

"He beats you with his belt?"

"Anything" I dryly stated, my bones aching with memories of pain.

"With a buckle?"

It was like they didn't believe this could happen. My Papa appeared so nice and loving to them…but to me, with me…well, it was another story. He was another man. So I showed them what he'd done to me.

"Right here" I pointed to a fresh bruise on my arm.

"Oh my god!" gasped Anna, stepping back in shock.

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell what they were thinking.

'Martha, the welts - they're terrible" exclaimed Wendla.

She was right; they ache day in and day out. My body screams with the vigorous pain and my mind is numb, filled with worry and fear of what's to come; of what they'll do next, of what I may do wrong. I knew I couldn't take one step out of line. If I wobbled even slightly the wrong way, I would be knocked down. I didn't know how to stop it, how to stop them, how to stabilize myself so this would never happen again.

Anna thought she had the answer though, her words cutting through my mind, somehow stopping my heart and every bit of feeling in my bones.

"We must tell someone"

As much as I loved that answer and thought it to be right I knew it was wrong I knew I couldn't.

"Anna, no!" I knew nothing good would come of it, deep down I knew I was better off where I am. But she persisted

"But we must!"

Somehow no one listens when I beg. Not Anna, not my Papa. No one. Not a single soul hears my yearning, my cries. They do as they feel; what they feel is right. What their parents taught them is right. So I was following what my parents had taught me.

"No, no, please. They'd throw me out for good" I knew they would. They would be so embarrassed and ashamed of the accusation, they would say I was ungrateful and that I didn't deserve the life they'd give me.

"Like what happened to Ilse you mean?" Thea clearly understood. I couldn't be like Ilse; no one even knows what has become or her.

"Remember!" added Wendla, now understanding too. I couldn't turn out like Ilse, from what we knew about her whereabouts she isn't much better off. No, I couldn't. I wouldn't turn out like Ilse. But Anna just wouldn't understand. That was her refusing to see the bad in anything. She couldn't seem to see the outcome of things, of what could be. She could only see what is, what is right in front of her and deal with that as she's learnt.

"But still…" Anna wouldn't understand. I didn't know how to tell her, to show her that I was better of as is.

"Anna, no. Just look at what's become of Ilse now! Living who knows where, with who know who!"

I knew I couldn't be like that. I wouldn't be like that.

"I just wish I could go through it for you…" Wendla was so kind and brave. I would never wish her to go through this though. I knew for some reason, something I had done, there was a reason my mama and papa punished me the way they did.

"My uncle Klaus says if you don't discipline a child, you don't love it" Thea's explanation seemed right.

"That must be"

I couldn't imagine my parents doing this for no reason, so it must be out of love. I couldn't imagine that I would show my children my love the way my parents show me. I wouldn't dare lock my children in the cellar and I would let them wear which ever colour of ribbons they please. I would leave them alone and not pay them any attention.

"When I have children, I'm going to let them grow up like weeds in our flower garden. Nobody pays any attention to them, and they're so tall, so thick…and meanwhile roses on their stakes; in their planting boxes get scrawnier every summer" I told the other girls.

"Well, when I have children I'm going to dress them all in pink. Pink hats, pink skirts, pink shoes…only the stockings black as night! Then when I go out for a walk I'll have them march along in front of me. What about you Anna?"

"When I have children, I'll let them be free. And they'll grow strong and tall" Anna explained. Thea didn't seem to understand, showing a look of utter confusion on her face.

"Free?" she asked. "But how will we know what to do if our parents don't tell us?"

That was something I wondered too. We all looked, dumbfounded, at one another, not knowing the answer. Our parents had all the answers and that is why we have to listen to them and do as they tell as not as we please.

As much as I liked Anna's idea to file a complaint I knew it would never work. I knew nothing would ever change. My parents were right, they know best. So I went home that night to my mama and papa and to their ways. I went home to be yelled at and sent to bed with no super for having a loose braid.

I knew my life would stay the way it was and nothing would change, even though I awoke every morning to my mama's cooking smelling of apologies and sorrow. Yes I knew. I knew this was my life and there was a reason it was this way, a reason I was to be like this forever, or at least until I had my children. My children who would grow up unkempt like the weeds in our garden. If only I'd been raised like a weed.


End file.
